Friday, January 28, 2011
{ 1:27 am }
It's been awhile i last let out my thoughts here. This blog has alot of memories. More particularly, my poly life. From my W35F days, to being in W36B. Then, tumblr came along & this blog was long forgotten. Sometimes, people tend to forget old stuff when the new ones kick in. But, like they say,
old is gold. & I'm grateful enough that I did not delete this blog of mine because I know that people won't be reading this now anyways. It became obsolete. But sometimes, it's just feel good to write, to let it all out, when you really need to. & that's what I lack nowadays.
I guess I've been bottling up all these feelings in me for so long. It started with just something personal, with my mummy/daddy issues at home. I'm never the one among the clique who gets freedom. At least adequate freedom for the adequate age. & to be frank, at 18, my freedom's limited. Maybe because the environment that moulded me to who i am now.
Since young, there's so much expectations. A God-given talent, I guess. I know I should be thankful & I am. But these expectations slowly turned into burden, as i caught up with age. Always conscious of every single move I make, feel like I've been watched all the time. My parents would most probably be thinking it's a good thing to keep me outta trouble & I gotta agree with that. But, it started to control me slowly, it became a phobia. A phobia of being judged. To live up to all of this, I started having double personalities, had 2 groups of different friends. Everyone does that. Don't you?
But, as I grow up, found love, picked up more responsibilities, re-ignited a life-long passion sometimes make me regret of the choices that I make in this once given life. I try so hard to find myself. Try to strike a balance in everything. I forgot my own life principle: You can never make everyone happy. But, as time goes own, with so much to face, all you want to do is to make everyone happy. Why? So, that you don't have to deal with guilt.
Fucking guilt. You try every single thing in the book, make time for everything, thinking that you're able to do this. Even to the point of lying to keep everyone happy. But, one thing a normal human forgets,
one ain't superhuman. There's no fucking way you can make everyone happy. Everyone's different. Everyone has their own ideas. & Don't even try to fucking read their minds & expect everything's right. History proved itself. That's why Soviet Russia ended up getting attacked by Nazi Germany.
Ahmad, you thought you could balance your life. But no. You failed, you fucking failure. & now here you are, reflecting back whether you made the right decisions. Where did it go wrong. Is it wrong to pursue your own dreams & passions? Why preach when you don't practice? Have you done enough to re-pay all the love they've given to you? You're losing your mind. Slowly but surely. But, you gotta keep it straight everything in life happens for a reason. Ah yes. You cannot control destiny, you let it take it's course. But it ends up derailing.
Now everyday, you end up faking a smile to everyone. You have to make up your fucking mind.
Do you love her? Then, you have to sacrifice. But, you've sacrificed so much in life. People can say they understand, but, no, they don't. Only you understand yourself. She said she'll learn to adapt. Until when? Will you be able to live up to expectations again, Ahmad? Or you'll just end up a dissapointment again. You promised one too many, asshole. You promised so much to her, but you never fucking delivered. & you call yourself her boyf. Dude, get a fucking life man. You don' deserve it. She sacrificed alot for you & all you can say is sorry? What's wrong with you man? There's so many other guys out there who's much better than you. You can't even tell her that you don't want her to adapt, you want her live with it. To accept it. To you adapting is okay. But, adapting won't last long. You want her to sacrifice for you, but can you sacrifice for her? If not, then why are you doing this to her man. Ass.
Make up your mind man. NOW. Start planning. Life, Love, or Passion?
Just needed that.
