Friday, January 28, 2011
{ 1:27 am }
It's been awhile i last let out my thoughts here. This blog has alot of memories. More particularly, my poly life. From my W35F days, to being in W36B. Then, tumblr came along & this blog was long forgotten. Sometimes, people tend to forget old stuff when the new ones kick in. But, like they say,
old is gold. & I'm grateful enough that I did not delete this blog of mine because I know that people won't be reading this now anyways. It became obsolete. But sometimes, it's just feel good to write, to let it all out, when you really need to. & that's what I lack nowadays.
I guess I've been bottling up all these feelings in me for so long. It started with just something personal, with my mummy/daddy issues at home. I'm never the one among the clique who gets freedom. At least adequate freedom for the adequate age. & to be frank, at 18, my freedom's limited. Maybe because the environment that moulded me to who i am now.
Since young, there's so much expectations. A God-given talent, I guess. I know I should be thankful & I am. But these expectations slowly turned into burden, as i caught up with age. Always conscious of every single move I make, feel like I've been watched all the time. My parents would most probably be thinking it's a good thing to keep me outta trouble & I gotta agree with that. But, it started to control me slowly, it became a phobia. A phobia of being judged. To live up to all of this, I started having double personalities, had 2 groups of different friends. Everyone does that. Don't you?
But, as I grow up, found love, picked up more responsibilities, re-ignited a life-long passion sometimes make me regret of the choices that I make in this once given life. I try so hard to find myself. Try to strike a balance in everything. I forgot my own life principle: You can never make everyone happy. But, as time goes own, with so much to face, all you want to do is to make everyone happy. Why? So, that you don't have to deal with guilt.
Fucking guilt. You try every single thing in the book, make time for everything, thinking that you're able to do this. Even to the point of lying to keep everyone happy. But, one thing a normal human forgets,
one ain't superhuman. There's no fucking way you can make everyone happy. Everyone's different. Everyone has their own ideas. & Don't even try to fucking read their minds & expect everything's right. History proved itself. That's why Soviet Russia ended up getting attacked by Nazi Germany.
Ahmad, you thought you could balance your life. But no. You failed, you fucking failure. & now here you are, reflecting back whether you made the right decisions. Where did it go wrong. Is it wrong to pursue your own dreams & passions? Why preach when you don't practice? Have you done enough to re-pay all the love they've given to you? You're losing your mind. Slowly but surely. But, you gotta keep it straight everything in life happens for a reason. Ah yes. You cannot control destiny, you let it take it's course. But it ends up derailing.
Now everyday, you end up faking a smile to everyone. You have to make up your fucking mind.
Do you love her? Then, you have to sacrifice. But, you've sacrificed so much in life. People can say they understand, but, no, they don't. Only you understand yourself. She said she'll learn to adapt. Until when? Will you be able to live up to expectations again, Ahmad? Or you'll just end up a dissapointment again. You promised one too many, asshole. You promised so much to her, but you never fucking delivered. & you call yourself her boyf. Dude, get a fucking life man. You don' deserve it. She sacrificed alot for you & all you can say is sorry? What's wrong with you man? There's so many other guys out there who's much better than you. You can't even tell her that you don't want her to adapt, you want her live with it. To accept it. To you adapting is okay. But, adapting won't last long. You want her to sacrifice for you, but can you sacrifice for her? If not, then why are you doing this to her man. Ass.
Make up your mind man. NOW. Start planning. Life, Love, or Passion?
Just needed that.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
{ 10:14 pm }
Hello people!
Ya, time for a post. So, I just returned from gamelan. Yeah. Gamelan is like my life now. Like how band used to be during secondary school days. Ever since I'm the vice president for my IG, it's been kinda hectic for me. Proposals, Deadlines, Meetings, Practice. So ya, my life in school nowadays is most at the time in classroom and gamelan room. Hahahaha. Practice ain't so bad. We're still in search for the perfect repertoire for our Reflections 2010 item this coming November. 11th November to be exact. Practice has been on full throttle (right word to use?).Ya.
So, for my post this time, I'm gonna cover an issue which might be familiar to some of you who might have read my old blog. Well,for the past 2 weeks, I've been shocked with the passing of 2 great people. Firstly, was my dear uncle, busu Azli, who was actually my mum's cousin. He passed away 2 weeks ago. Then, yesterday, got another shocking news of someone whom I just met also 2 weeks ago. That was like the first & last time I got to meet him. His name's Cak Dur. I don't really know him well but he's the one who thought my mum parents a lot on religion during their younger days. What was shocking was that the both of them passed away at an age which you least expect. (My uncle's going to be 40 this year, while Cak Dur was in his late 40s.) Well, it's really scary, frankly speaking. I mean people just leave you in the blink of an eye when you least expect it. For my uncle's passing, I felt that my nenek really felt it a lot since he was one of his favourite nephews. He's the one who usually will leave 1 whole carton of milo drink boxes for my family or dates every single time the fasting month arrives, without fail. Someone who's very caring and loving towards his children, gone. I really couldn't hold back my tears during the burial, when his innocent 4 year old son, hand in hand with his grandfather, asking why his daddy was covered in soil when he's "sleeping". And the cries of his mum, telling each and everyone present that her son was a good person. The greatness of a mother's love. Subhanallah. That really broke my heart. I just couldn't hold back my tears. Suddenly, everything I did with my family just came flashing back in my mind. Suddenly, I wonder, what happens during my turn? Will I be able to face death? Face the questioning in the grave by the angels? That incident really got me thinking.
Well, The holy month of Ramadan is approaching really soon. I get excited usually when I was younger not because of fasting but because what's after that. Hahahaha. But, as I grow, I the happiness ain't the same anymore. Well, basically due to the fact that both of my grandfathers have passed on & also this time my uncle. But, what I really like about the month of Ramadan is the spirit. Going for Terawih prayers at night until your feet ache, the Ramadan bazaars, Ngaji and Qiyamulail which is totally fun because I get to meet up with friends whom I knew since we were still in diapers and sucking on milk bottles. Then, the last night, waiting for the announcement for Hari Raya. Just one of a kind experience which I cannot get at any other time of the year.
Ramadan yang mulia menjelma lagi,
Namun kau pergi, meninggalkanku di sini,
Tetap ku tabah mengharungi onak dan duri hidup ini,
Biar ku berharap, namun kenyataannya pasti,
Dirimu takkan kembali lagi.
Ku tadahkan tangan, Ku sedekahkan doa,
Moga kau aman di sisi Yang Maha Esa,
Ramadan ini kita tidak akan bersama,
Kan ku ingatimu selamanya.
I guess that's about it.
I'm done. (:
Saturday, July 31, 2010
{ 10:46 pm }
Hello blogosphere! Wow. Ya, I know it's been awhile since I last blogged here. It's been quite some time I actually updated this blog of mine & yes, this blog held lots of memorable moments throughout my poly life so far. Lots of stuff happened for the last 4 months. Wowwwwww. I abandoned my blog for 4 months. Well, it was kind of a transition for me from blogging to tumblr. Butttt, lots of things happened within this 4 months of absence. Well, I know I update tumblr regularly due to my hectic schedule, but, I miss the satisfaction of letting out all my feelings here in my blog.
Well, ya lots of things changed within the 4 months. I'm currently in year 2 as a student of Republic Polytechnic. Life as a student is kinda complicated right now as we start to get the "real deal" - learning modules which are related to my diploma. So far, I think i'm kinda screwed for nearly all of my modules. I aced in Quality Management module. I kinda like the module but I really hated the faci, who's kind of a douche seriously. But, ohwells.
I'm doing average for my Physics module. Frankly speaking, I'm pleasantly surprised that I am able to cope with Physics since it has been my all time nemesis since secondary school. This is the only class which I learn together with the students from SAS. They are really a bunch of inquisitive people. A group of workaholics & mind you, they are damn smart man! Hats off to these group of people man. I mean, they've helped alot in helping me understand this module.
I'm kinda interested in aircraft materials though I got a freaking F for my UT1. But, I'm starting to pick up & my daily grades are consistent. The other 2 modules, Aerodynamics and Electronics, are a total pain in the ass & totally fucked up facis who are just making the situation even worse. But then, I am left with no choice but to study my ass off. Yes, I am studying. Revising, I mean. I do agree poly life doesn't suit my lifestyle since I've never been good in self-learning. However, I gotta deal with reality that I have to start to wake up if wanna succeed. I'm trying to change my attitude towards the classes, no matter how fucked up the faci can be.
IG life has been pretty hectic nowadays, with the training of new intakes etc. Lots of problems. Lots of em'. Trying to deal with those problem as professionally as I can. However, I must agree to the fact that the juniors are totally awesome! And, also they are quite a talented bunch! Ya, we might not communicate often. Okay. Let me re-phrase that. I've not been communicating much with them. Ya. But, still, I really appreciate the hard work they put in, always coming down for practices. I also love my batch too. They've been splendid! I might not say this everyday, but, I love my Nagas. I appreciate they're co-operation during trainings too.
Reflections 2010 is also around the corner, hence, intense preparations have begun.Nothing is more challenging than producing your own show. All the admin matters, marketing strategies, it can drive you crazy! Hahahahaha. However, So far, I'm able to deal with it. We'll see as time passes by. Hehehehe.
Other than that, I was recently inducted as a member of GammaRays. For those of you who have no idea what GammaRays is, it's a fusion rock gamelan group. Ya. Speaking of which, I just went for their gig at Bukit Panjang CC just now. It was awesome! Well, I'm kind of excited being part of GammaRays right now. & I have never been so awestruck ever since joining. They have a vast amount of talent in the group. Everyone's so talented. Me & Rasydan are kind of the newbies. Hahahaha. I got lots more to learn & though it might be complicating sometimes, I'll pull through. (:
Other than that, I have been in an 11 month long relationship with Siti Nurfazlun binte Tahir. Our anniversary will be oh so soon. Hehehehe. Excited much?
Also, there's been lots of changes recently too. Positive change. It's really nice to see people changing for the better. Though, sometimes, things can hold us back. What I am about to say next is as a reflection for all of us, for both you & also me.
As what I've mentioned just now, some of my friends are turning over a new leaf, beginning a new lease of life, a new chapter, whatever you wanna refer it as to. Personally for me, I truly respect people who are willing, in one way or another, make a positive change to themselves, because, I myself, sometimes keep procrastinating and holding back my plans to change myself for the better. Therefore, what they did, for me, was quite huge & impactful. To a point where sometimes, they just feel too self-conscious about their new perspective of life and opinions from other parties. You know, the feeling you get, everytime you get a new hairstyle? You'll possibly be self-conscious about the opinions of others, whether it was a right choice to change your hairstyle in the first place.
What I am emphasizing is, we should always stand for our thoughts, ideologies & religion, in this case. We should not be held back with people opinions when we decide to change because it involves our own personal lives, not others. As we begin our transition we should reflect, whether we are ready for that transition because every decision that we make in life always has its pros and cons. We just have to stand up to what we think is right and not think of the opinion of others.
To my friends who might or might not know that I am refering to them, I am happy for you guys that you've decided to make a change, a positive change. & yes, it is quite a huge step for you guys to take in your lives. However, you should always be mentally prepared for trials we might face. People can say what they like, scream their opinions out loud, but, we have to stand for our principles in life & not be affected by the environment we are in.
Bak kata pepatah, Rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain. In this case, it all boils down to one thing,
Faith. If your faith is strong, you will pull through. Changes like this do take time for people around you to accept & to make people around you to make a change like what you did, takes up even more time.
& to those out there who still feel you're not ready yet to make the change, then, take your time to reflect. However, we have to remember, life is short and none knows their own destiny.
In life, always be the influential one not the influenced. You know what is right for yourself. Like I said, neither do i want to shoot at you for what you've done nor do I want to force change. It is just a reflection for us. Because sometimes, as humans, we rarely sit back and take a look at the big picture.
I guess that's it for now.
I'm done. (:
